I have wanted to start writing again and I thought this would be a good day to do so.
Milestones are huge. Today was going to be a big day for me. Celebration, fun, hoorahs, A year ago I couldn't wait for this day to come. 10 years without self-injury. Then this year happened. I woke up this morning feeling pretty down. I had no desire to participate in the day. I was reminded of shame, guilt, where I could have been. I felt bad for what seemed like giving up on myself. I questioned why the last year happened the way it did.
Then a good friend reminded me "Girl, it still is 10 years, 10 years of it not being a solid habit." And I thought of this song. This year has been one of seemingly constant ups and downs. It has been one of hiding, of longing, of hoping, feeling defeated, wishing, pleading. Something inside me broke this year, but I don't think it's been a bad thing. It has reminded me that I'M ONLY HUMAN.
Yes, I have Jesus, my Savior, and the Holy Spirit living inside of me. But, I haven't known myself for the last 15 years.
"I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that's what you need
Be your everything
I can do it
I can do it
I'll get through it
But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human"
Before this year I have been a machine. I've done things I thought would please people, or get them to like me. I've been on autopilot doing as much as I possibly could to ignore the hurt inside me- to push away every possible emotion that didn't feel good. I lost any part of me that seemed real, if I even knew what that was.
I found a part of myself this year that I hadn't known before. It took a lot. It took hospital visits and programs, therapists and medication, leaving things behind, and many other things. It took difficult nights, and times where I and other people didn't recognize who I was anymore.
What I found is that I'm only human. I am going to fall. Things are going to disappoint me. I will have doubts and fears. It took anger, and learning to forgive. And man did it take a lot of wrestling with God.
It has taken accepting myself for who God has made me and not listening to outside voices who tell me I'm "supposed to be" one way or another to be good enough. It took facing my emotions, even the painful ones or the ones I thought I wasn't supposed to have, to realize that I am human, and I don't have to be perfect. I don't need everyone's approval to believe in myself, and I don't have to be perfect for God to love me.
So, today is a celebration. Not necessarily what I thought it would be, but a celebration of a new beginning of discovering who I am, and who I'm meant to become. Scars and all. Being Human.
